ramble ramble
there was this song a while back that i really liked. well the main reason i liked it was cause of the first line. ASK ME NO QUESTIONS - I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES. i just liked that. i think its by tina turner called open arms. it was a time when i was very stressed out and needed things to take my mind off things. make sense? good.
so i'm back now, and its been interesting so far. i mean, life in auckland was admittedly very very busy even on the most relaxed days. it was really a lot of things to do. and now that i get back, it feels like everything has come to a standstill. there's NOTHING to do. i'm broke so i cant buy much. and there's nothing much that compels me to depart from my cash so i just dont feel like spending.
i feel so far away from my friends. everyone is everywhere else but here. i'm not complaining about being back. its just the lack of things to do. yes iain's here. and thats great. can catch up and spend time together etc etc. but aside from that i really feel very separated from my friends. (ok the room's spinning and i'm sober - should i be worried?) while i do hang out with iain and at times his friends, i just cant connect with his friends the way i do with mine. maybe cause i dont know them that well, i dunno, but there are times when i do feel like i'm just sitting there doing nothing. kinda like an appendage of sorts. i kinda just sit there and not really participate in whatever's going on. which is a HUGE change from being able to contribute TO the interaction at hand. i cant relate to the topic at hand and i'm sorry but i dont get private jokes. is there some kinda cosmic rule that dictates how you talk to your friend's gf or something that i'm missing out on? Yes i'm dating him but it doesnt mean that the words DONT TALK TO THIS ONE SHE"S NUTS are stamped across my forehead (ok the spinning is getting worse) so. what i'm trying to say here. is. umm.. it feels like i've lost part of my own personality. i've lost that whole GETTING THINGS DONE TODAY type thing. and i've lost that feeling like i belong to a group of people. that feeling where i am part of a bunch of people. i've lost the whole hearing from my friends today and maybe seeing them around later thing. YES i know its a holiday so i should feel like there's plenty of time and i'm not on a timetable. maybe i've gotten so used to it that doing nothing just feels like my brain is rotting away and i'm getting fat (which i believe i am so dont try to convince me otherwise). i mean there is really nothing to do. i guess i miss my friends too. it doesnt help that most of the people i know here are NOT here. enough rambling.
so what else is going on?
not much really, i cant sleep so (hey the spinning stopped) i'm up tapping away at my keyboard. just random stuff. whatever comes to mind.
i've just realised that i havent been staying at home in years. it was about 4 years ago that i moved away to college and now that i'm studying in auckland, it feels so strange coming home. things changed. my dogs have passed away. i have new puppies now but i wont be around to see them grow up. i doubt they'll remember me when i finish studying and come back for good. i dont even know where i'll be posted after i finish studying.
do you ever wonder to what extent the past affects us? there are things that have happened that shape the way things are now. some may be regretable and others not so. and to what extent is it going to have an impact on how we choose to deal with things in the future? yes the past is the past and there are some things we cannot change so we just have to let them go. but at the same time to what extent can we let go? i know its a choice - a personal one - that has to be made but to what extent can we let go? what if there are events that invoke past feelings that can make you realise that maybe there are some parts that you havent completely let go of yet (you here meaning ME. i'm talking about myself, and i hope that by using YOU i'm making it more relatable...well this varies on context) maybe its a continuous process. maybe its not entirely a black and white type thing for some people. maybe there are some people out there who can let go of something completely on the spot and just be done with it forever. but maybe there are also people who can let go of things, but there are times when past feelings get brought up, intentionally or otherwise, that bring back things that require them to make letting go a continuous process. maybe thats what i'm like. i like to think that i can be a very objective person and that i'm neutral, but i've said it before - life isnt set in black and white, there are varying shades of grey. i guess with certain issues it might be a continuous process for me. and i'm not apologizing for it. if anyone wants to come down hard on me for this, you can stay on your high horse and take your self righteous judgemental self someplace else.
god am i ever going to get to sleep tonight?
i think i should try before the sun rises.
11.28.08 (7:22 am) [
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use somebody
it saddens me to think that this is the last sunday i'll be spending in NZ this year. of course i know i'll be back again next year, and there'll be plenty of sundays for everyone, but i guess its several things coming together that makes this bittersweet.
some of my closest friends are going back this year. when you're away from home as long as we have been, and you're far away from your family and loved ones, its your friends that become your support group. we all look out for each other and i guess, its just the amount of time you've spent with them. i feel really close to them, and - well i guess what i'm trying to say here is that goodbye's are never easy. they always feel so abrupt.
its also that sense of familiarity thats gone. these people who i associate with this place are no longer going to be there.
its quite sad. i dont know how i'll react when its time for me to go back. i mean, i'll be very happy to go back. but that also means putting an end to nz. maybe i'll be grateful when its time to go cause i keep complaining about spending so many years studying. dont get me wrong, i do like studying, but for this long? and under this much pressure? doing something that i've resigned myself to? its not exactly the most motivating combination.
second year's over. hello third year 2009.
11.09.08 (2:21 pm) [
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9 days
flight back soon, i have about 9 days to go.
9 days for packing
9 days for exams
9 days for last minute shopping
9 days for catching up with my friends
no this is not a poem, i just cant be bothered to write in proper paragraphs.
yes i'm looking forward to going back. apparently my family has got 2 new puppies and a cat since i left. which is interesting, cause my 2 dogs died last year. i cant wait to see the puppies (although i hate their names - Bonnie and Connie. WHY NOT BONNIE AND CLYDE since one is male and the other female?)
anyhoos
i dont know where to start packing. i guess i'll have to do it tonight. and its 4 pm, which means, spongebob squarepants on tv :P
11.03.08 (1:00 pm) [
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thanks maynard
so i'm tagged again. here goes:
1. What’s the relationship of you and her/him ?
junior from school, choir mates.
2. Your 5 impressions towards her/him ?
independent, sarcastic, playful, ambitious, easy going.
3. The most memorable things she/he have said to you
i wont say exactly what, but what was it you said bout that girl at the swimming pool in stampark and didnt realise it was me till i talked to you?? :P
4. The most memorable thing she/he had done for you
HE SAID HE"LL COOK FOR ME :D
5. If she/he became your lover, you will..
aww hellz naw! how did that happen?
6. If she/he become your enemy, you will..
pening and bengang.
7. If she/he become your lover, she/he has to improve on..
aww hellz naw!
8. If she/he become your enemy, the reason is..
being mean..?
9. The most desirable thing to do on him/her is ?
convince him to cook for me :D
10. The overall impression of him/her is…
he's alright. havent seen him in ages tho.
11. How do you think the people around you feel about you ?
they know i have strange habits...which they get used to eventually. like...my 3 am bathroom break.
12. The character of you for yourself is ?
materialistic, random (some people call it being spontaneous but its the same difference)
13. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is ?
messy, not thinking things through, moody
14. The most ideal person that you wanna be is ?
more motivated and optimistic
15. For the people who care about you and likes you, say something about them.
would be nice to keep in touch and stay friends. we should catch up if we get the chance.
Ten people to tag!!!! Victims!!!!
1. iain
2. pak kieng
3. shark
4. hunnie
5. li ern
6. jane (?)
7. damnit i dont have 10 friends T_T
Who is no.2 having a relationship with ?
himself. and quite possibly a guy (although he doesnt know this yet :P )
No.3 is a male or female ?
SHE is a female.
If no.7 and no.10 were together, would it be a good thing ?
i dont have number 7 or 10. my social life has gotten so sad now :(
How about no.5 and no.3 ?
it would be very inneresting indeed.
What is no.1 studying about?
multimedia...software :D
Is no.4 single ?
yesh
Say something about no.6 ?
havent seen her in ages. funny how we're both doin education.
10.30.08 (4:25 pm) [
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oh so happy
you know, its bad enough i can be really moody without being taking the extra hormones...now i'm extra moody. i hate to blame the pills for it, but it can really has those effects.
SO :D
now that i'm happy
i can reveal to you that i have spent the last 2 days shopping :) i didnt get anything much till today, where i went kinda berserk. seriously. i've finished paying rent for this year, and i worked on labour day (which means they pay extra). SO what did i get today?
a shit load of stuff :D and i'm so happy :D because
- i finally got my Gucci Envy - i've been wanting that perfume for ages now. and now i'm not sure if i want the nina ricci perfume...its on offer now at smith and caugheys, and i really might get it. see how lah.
- NEW DRESS!!! YAY!!
- new belly RINGS! yea its pierced if you dunno yet.
- new shiny things
- new clothes!
oh so many things, and we spent the whole day wandering around the shopping district and didnt stop to sit down until it was time to eat. then we continued walking and walking all day.
oh its so easy to keep me happy. just shove a wad of cash in my face and let me roam free shopping :P
10.29.08 (7:48 pm) [
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