there was this song a while back that i really liked. well the main reason i liked it was cause of the first line. ASK ME NO QUESTIONS - I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES. i just liked that. i think its by tina turner called open arms. it was a time when i was very stressed out and needed things to take my mind off things. make sense? good.

 

so i'm back now, and its been interesting so far. i mean, life in auckland was admittedly very very busy even on the most relaxed days. it was really a lot of things to do. and now that i get back, it feels like everything has come to a standstill. there's NOTHING to do. i'm broke so i cant buy much. and there's nothing much that compels me to depart from my cash so i just dont feel like spending.

 

i feel so far away from my friends. everyone is everywhere else but here. i'm not complaining about being back. its just the lack of things to do. yes iain's here. and thats great. can catch up and spend time together etc etc. but aside from that i really feel very separated from my friends. (ok the room's spinning and i'm sober - should i be worried?) while i do hang out with iain and at times his friends, i just cant connect with his friends the way i do with mine. maybe cause i dont know them that well, i dunno, but there are times when i do feel like i'm just sitting there doing nothing. kinda like an appendage of sorts. i kinda just sit there and not really participate in whatever's going on. which is a HUGE change from being able to contribute TO the interaction at hand. i cant relate to the topic at hand and i'm sorry but i dont get private jokes. is there some kinda cosmic rule that dictates how you talk to your friend's gf or something that i'm missing out on? Yes i'm dating him but it doesnt mean that the words DONT TALK TO THIS ONE SHE"S NUTS are stamped across my forehead (ok the spinning is getting worse) so. what i'm trying to say here. is. umm.. it feels like i've lost part of my own personality. i've lost that whole GETTING THINGS DONE TODAY type thing. and i've lost that feeling like i belong to a group of people. that feeling where i am part of a bunch of people. i've lost the whole hearing from my friends today and maybe seeing them around later thing. YES i know its a holiday so i should feel like there's plenty of time and i'm not on a timetable. maybe i've gotten so used to it that doing nothing just feels like my brain is rotting away and i'm getting fat (which i believe i am so dont try to convince me otherwise). i mean there is really nothing to do. i guess i miss my friends too. it doesnt help that most of the people i know here are NOT here. enough rambling.

 

so what else is going on?

 

not much really, i cant sleep so (hey the spinning stopped) i'm up tapping away at my keyboard. just random stuff. whatever comes to mind. 

 

i've just realised that i havent been staying at home in years. it was about 4 years ago that i moved away to college and now that i'm studying in auckland, it feels so strange coming home. things changed. my dogs have passed away. i have new puppies now but i wont be around to see them grow up. i doubt they'll remember me when i finish studying and come back for good. i dont even know where i'll be posted after i finish studying. 

 

do you ever wonder to what extent the past affects us? there are things that have happened that shape the way things are now. some may be regretable and others not so. and to what extent is it going to have an impact on how we choose to deal with things in the future? yes the past is the past and there are some things we cannot change so we just have to let them go. but at the same time to what extent can we let go? i know its a choice - a personal one - that has to be made but to what extent can we let go? what if there are events that invoke past feelings that can make you realise that maybe there are some parts that you havent completely let go of yet (you here meaning ME. i'm talking about myself, and i hope that by using YOU i'm making it more relatable...well this varies on context) maybe its a continuous process. maybe its not entirely a black and white type thing for some people. maybe there are some people out there who can let go of something completely on the spot and just be done with it forever. but maybe there are also people who can let go of things, but there are times when past feelings get brought up, intentionally or otherwise, that bring back things that require them to make letting go a continuous process. maybe thats what i'm like. i like to think that i can be a very objective person and that i'm neutral, but i've said it before - life isnt set in black and white, there are varying shades of grey. i guess with certain issues it might be a continuous process for me. and i'm not apologizing for it. if anyone wants to come down hard on me for this, you can stay on your high horse and take your self righteous judgemental self someplace else.

 

god am i ever going to get to sleep tonight?

 

i think i should try before the sun rises.